Mark Twain - Samuel Clemens

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Mark Twain (Author and Humorist, alias Samuel Clemens)

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Never put off till tomorrow, what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain (Author and Humorist, alias Samuel Clemens)

Modern saying: I used to crastinate. I got so good at it I decided to go pro.

One can always go backwards in time.

Today, I'm doing nothing because I started doing it yesterday and I wasn't finished.

Don't give up on dreams. Go back to bed.

[eager vs. lazy evaluation]

Why was the funeral for the man who invented Tupperware delayed?

It took a while to find the right lid for his coffin. While you are coughing (coffin) about this joke, you are probably thinking I should put a lid on it.

No man's life, liberty or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
Mark Twain (Author and Humorist, alias Samuel Clemens)

1 Corinthians 14:40 Let all things be done decently and in order. [kjv]

παντα δε ευσχημονως και κατα ταξιν γινεσθω [gnt]

Exodus 25:5 And rams' skins dyed red, and badgers' skins, and shittim wood, [kjv]

και δερματα κριων ηρυθροδανωμενα και δερματα υακινθινα και ξυλα ασηπτα [lxx]

The word taxidermy comes from the Greek words for class or order (taxonomy) and skin or fur as in (dermatology).

Mark Twain (Author and Humorist, alias Samuel Clemens)

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?

The taxidermist takes only your skin.

1 Corinthians 14:40

All

KJV: Let all things be done decently and in order.

Greek: παντα δε ευσχημονως και κατα ταξιν γινεσθω

Exodus 25:5

All

KJV: And rams' skins dyed red, and badgers' skins, and shittim wood,

Hebrew: וערת אילם מאדמים וערת תחשים ועצי שטים׃

Greek: και δερματα κριων ηρυθροδανωμενα και δερματα υακινθινα και ξυλα ασηπτα

Good judgment is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgment.
Mark Twain (Author and Humorist, alias Samuel Clemens)

We have the best government money can buy.
Mark Twain (Author and Humorist, alias Samuel Clemens)

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. From the autobiography of Mark Twain, although he appears to have appropriated it from another source.
For more information, see http://www.york.ac.uk/depts/maths/histstat/lies.htm (as of 1982).

Statistics can often be used to show things that are not true. One must carefully look at any statistical claim (and assumptions).

Common saying: Figures don't lie. Liars figure.